Coming Soon Baby #2

 

My prayer, "Lord, I am constantly reminded just how truly loved I am by you and that you are the true maker of all miracles. Your plans are perfect and I give it to you! You are a good, good Father!"

Today was a day like no other. It was the day we were blessed to know that we would be having another baby. A day our love grew bigger, hearts raced faster, and minds wondered all over. Today was a blessing.
...
We lost our second baby only 6 weeks after we discovered we were pregnant. While our pain cannot be measured in that time, our hearts will forever grieve the loss of our child. When we discovered we were not pregnant last month even after following ovulation calendars, dietary supplements, prenatals, yes doing everything in our power to get pregnant, we came to the realization that we are not in control. God has such a perfect plan for our little family. This month I began to notice symptoms, and even took a few tests. I was surprised when I was graced with only 1 pink line starring back at me. I just knew I was pregnant. I just had to be. But maybe it was me believing what I wanted to feel and having expectations that I did everything I could. So many times I just fall to my knees prayfully asking God to take the wheel but secretly hoping to hold on just a bit. I laugh at myself thinking of this knowing that I am NOT in control. His plan is perfect. It is His timing.While symptoms continued and now a bit of nausea, hoping I was not getting sick I decided to take the last of my 3 dollar store pregnancy tests. To me it was going to say what the others did and would be a clear indication, no you are not pregnant. Try again next month and probably the next and next. I was wrong. A faint line began to appear and then quickly darken. I sat with my eye brows ruffled in complete disbelief.  I may be pregnant.

 It read positive. I love those two beautiful pink lines.

To our sweet babe. I have so much excitement, fear, joy, disbelief, and love. I would ask how I could be filled with so many different emotions, but being a mother, I feel we are used to being emotionally invested in what we do. My greatest joy would be to be pregnant and carry a happy and healthy baby to term. I know that God is a good, good Father. He has a plan for our growing family and for this little one. Lord you are in control and we are beyond blessed by all you do.

Our Loss: Baby Letters #2

 

April 21st: I am still numb when I really think about it. I still try to find the right words. I never thought this would happen to us. I mean, after it did, I found out how truly common it was. "Missed Abortion?" That term absolutely needs to be removed from medical jargon. Having to sign my D&C paper work and have those two words listed was more than difficult to say the least. How could this happen to us?

As I'm sure you have figured out that we lost the baby. And yes we were only 6 weeks but in my heart, it was our baby. For a month I new you were with my sweet baby. I loved carrying you and talking to you. I was just in awe that you came to us so quickly but was so excited for you to join our little family. I wondered if you would have your daddy's face or if you would resemble mommy. Would you be anything like your big sister. I just couldn't wait to find out. Our Christmas baby. I was so thankful and excited for you.

The doctors and nurses were truly amazing. They all understood how difficult this moment would be. I never realized how in depth the process was. But let me go back. Not that I want to recount these difficult moments, but maybe the words may help. After countless blood tests where our numbers were just not adding up, I came in for a sonogram to make sure I didn't have a tubal pregnancy. The baby sadly was not developing. With a large bleed wrapped around the odd shaped sack, it was only a matter of time before our finished miscarriage would happen. The hardest part was hiding it. I wasn't ready to talk about it and most days don't want to. But then there is a sense of guilt as to why I appear lazy, sad, short tempered, and MIA. I constantly would repeat to myself, if only they knew...
 
So after our D&C this past Monday, I'm left empty but with all the emotions and hormones of one who is expecting. But with that being said, I have found a sense of peace... some days.  Other days I'm angry and bitter. I have found some days better than others. I want to heal. I want to feel whole again. And while I do have some good days, I do totally blame my body, my stress, myself. Of course I know this is wrong, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. One day at a time, right.

May 12th: They say it gets better, and some days it does. When my mind is consumed which it has been to say the least, it doesn't seem as bad. With Auby testing positive for strep the day after my D&C, end of the year testing, conferences, getting a new principal and two new teammates for next year, plus a mysterious potential hand, foot, and mouth situation with Aubs... it has been insane. But I'm still not over it. I just had my appointment to check my levels. We are hoping for it to return negative. Kind of funny to imagine this situation to be anything else. But once we have our levels we can start over and try again. More waiting it seems. But to our sweet baby we lost, until we meet again...and as mommy said before, sweet baby, we are forever yours!

Love,
Your Mommy

Our Loss: Baby Letters #1

"Hope is a scary thing. It's getting your feelings up and having them torn down. I choose faith. Faith that God has an amazing plan for this baby and for us. Regardless the outcome, I put my faith in Him for He is good all the time. There is a reason and a plan." April 15, 2015

When I began to think about this letter dear baby, I definitely had different words in mind. Amazement, shock, excitement, disbelief. My Good Friday was an exceptional one. It was the day I found out that I was carrying you. We knew that in early March we wanted to begin trying to grow our little family. It took us fourteen months before we became expectant with your big sister. So I was a little hesitant to continue waiting. I just couldn't wait for you to join our family sweet baby. I decided to wait a whole day until I told your daddy. That day was the longest day of my life, or so I thought. I remember when I saw that double pink line, my mouth dropped. You took my breath away even then. I knew our little lives would be completely changed, and I couldn't wait to share the news. On Saturday, it was planned that our little family of 3 (really family of 4) would take our Easter pictures. It was expected that Easter Sunday would be cold and rainy (which it was). The pictures were perfection. The weather was gorgeous, and while bluebonnets were not exactly in bloom, we found a perfect place behind your sister's favorite playground and park. This is where I would capture your daddy's sweet response. Inside a few Easter eggs I put little notes for each of us. Here are the reveal pictures.  

 {Our family of 4 reveal}

 {Big sister, Baby #2, and Mama-#2-be}

We were so early pregnant but still in awe of this beautiful miracle. I couldn't wait to share our news, but again needed to wait.

It seems "wait" is the theme of this letter. I never thought it would be. On April 15th, my belly started to cramp and while in class I began to bleed. I mean a lot. I was devastated. I just knew I lost you. What did I do or not do? A doctor appointment was made. Ray took me home. It was just so unbelievable. But the bleeding stopped. When I went to the doctor, I was given a bit of hope. They took a regular pregnancy test and immediately it read positive- pregnant. But it was too early to tell with a sonogram. So after a bit of blood work and a few scheduled appointments, I would know something within a few days. Again more waiting.

So baby, I sit here. I wonder if you are still with me? It is an overwhelmingly exciting and terrifying idea as I left with hope but still have fear. I thought waiting a day to tell your daddy would be the longest wait of my life, but I think this is the hardest. I could never want to offend anyone who has miscarried, lost a child, or who has had this same fear overtake them. I couldn't imagine your loss, or maybe this week I'll find out that I too have a loss. But what I can say sweet baby is that it has been the sweetest experience holding you for the weeks I have. For the time I have been given, I am forever grateful. If you are still with me, I can only pray that you continue to grow big and strong and know that you are forever ours.

We love you dear baby.

Love,
Your Mommy:)